a depressive episode
As I am writing this I’m having what I believe to be a depressive episode. My writing might not be that clear but I’m just trying to get my thoughts out. Why?? Well because I’ma little desperate and I’ve never tried this approach when this happens to me. I’ve also been taking Klonopin for about 4 days and a little more than normal. Not dangerous amounts but enough to keep me from working out and doing some of the things I know I should do to help pull me from this darkness. The problem is once I drop this low I choose darkness. I can suffer from suicidal ideations. This means I plan ways to die in my head. They come on strong and scare me especially since I have 3 children. I haven’t done anything to physically hurt myself since I quit drinking. When I was very young I would hit my head on the bathtub. I was far too young to understand why. The doctors explanations were temper tantrums or attention seeking behaviour. What no one knows is that I continued this strategy to numb the pain I was feeling until just a few years ago. It’s very embarrassing so I didn’t tell anyone although I was with someone who knew about it and he never stopped me. I won’t blame him but the lack of interference defineitly didn’t help my low self worth. So it’s trade off. I know the Klonopins are sedating me too much but they keep me from scaring myself or hurting myself or doing things like breaking all the glasses in the kitchen which has happened.
How do I get to this place? Sadly I thought it was the alcohol. Although it added fuel to the fire the fire is still always a spark away. I don’t want to keep writig this like a story. I’m trying to get into my head but I think shame is holding me back. I just came off a very high HIGH. I met someone who made me feel so special and chosen. Very intense chemistry. I was very vulnerable as I’m not used to being with men sober. I felt all the feelings that I always numbed before. I believed alcohol actually enhanced the feelings and the sex and all the things but I was wrong. Everything was so intense. But I’m wondering if that level of doapamine is somehow intolerable for me. I would come off of it just like coming off substances. Maybe everyone does? I don’t know but I don’t know if it’s normal to feel such depression after joy. It’s very comparable to my inability to stop drinking once I start. I have never known how to come down without wanting to kill myself….so I keep going. But I kept reassuring myself that real feelings are good. Distract myself with working on building a job and be with my children. Sadly what we see on the outside is usually twisted. I am living far beyond my means. My financial world has been crumbling. My son is moving to college and compare and despair has set in that I’m too old to start a life that I can create some finacial independance. But I’m just telling my story again… the real reason I sat down and started typing is to convince myself that I’m in reality. I start questioning who I am and what is real. I get lost in a million thoughts at once or having no thoughts at all. I isolate. I don’t want help. I don’t trust people and tbh have not had big reasons to. I just allowed myself to trust myself and that failed me. Continally being the woman only good enough to go so far with but never picked. Never chosen. Never priortized as the one. Love yourself…self love alll the things. I do them believe me but when I crash I repetively tell myself every horrible thought I really have. I am worthless, replacable, unloveable. I have the evidence to backup my thoughts so I keep them going over and over like a broken record until I take another klonopin to stop the misery.
This has been my entire life. I’m getting better at not getting to this place but this week I have been here. My chidren keep me from going all the way. I’d never leave them even if I sit in this shit forever. I made a sad retirement plan for myself when they are older. It sadly comforts me. For awhile I lived at the Budget Suites in Las Vegas. Yes I really did. It wasn’t pleasant but talk about humble. I have great fears that seem very realistic considering the situation I’m in and the fact that at 46 years old no one loves me, that I will end up broke and alone. I don’t have a family support system. In fact my father died and left my mom broke and alone. Her mother drank herself to death. My cousin just lost his life to mental illness. In a nutshell my DNA is laced with more addiction , mental illness and trauma that you’d ever imagine. My kids dad is very private and I will not speak about him…..but the usual speculation by appearances is I must have some billionare and a trust fund protecting me. Not the case. I’ve been in survival mode since I was on my own. My low self esteem and years of being bullied and used has caused me to hide behind money that I shouldn’t be spending. But I see myself back to the budget suites drinking again. I can play cheap slot machines all day for free booze and continue on until my pancreas fails. Hopefully in the hospital on Dilaudid. My retirement plan feels safe. What doesn’t feel safe is believing I’ll ever meet a man who chooses me. I also don’t know if after I crawl out of this hole I should even allow myself the opportunity again. Am I delusional? Do I feel things that aren’t real? This isn’t limited to relationships because I can alreay hear the critics in my head that have told me countless times that I don’t need a relationship to complete me. Thank you to everyone who tells me that who has never walked in my shoes. But I don’t even feel safe in happiness. The otherside of happiness is severe pain that leads me to where I am now. No motivation to live.
This exercise is helping me a little. I have kids to take care of and a trip planned with my daughters. I want to be present. I want to allow myself to feel joy. I want to stop choosing darkness.
I continally question if this normal? Do I need to be medicated? Would it help me stablize the highs and lows of life? I took anti depressants as a teenager and early 20’s. I found they had zero benefits and it was a real bitch to get off of them. I can still feel the “jolts” as I called them during that withdrawel period that seemed to last for eternity. I’ll also be honest and say I’m afraid medication will make me gain weight. Think what you want but that will mess with me.
I still remember a good friend in highschool who I have now seen has become a very successful artist. He had a very creative deep mind and used to tell me he was fascinated with my mind. Like what dimensions do I actually go to to think so crazy. I’ve never felt right.